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Wednesday, June 17th, 2009
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5:58 pm
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tea.
tea and more tea.
lots of tea.
i'm going to stop reading, soon, for a bit, and do some of the things i've been reading about.
i'm going to make mead and spin wool and knit and sew skirts and make pickles (maybe).
i just read about how catastrophic a major earthquake on the seattle faultline would be. interesting. at least my house is too far away from the water for the tsunami to matter...not my work, though.
i have no idea how to make anything happen.
doing things is not as easy as made out to be, espesially when you are thwarted at every turn.
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| Tuesday, May 5th, 2009
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5:30 pm
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sitting at the library in a bright patch of a blustery grey rainy day, with a sack full of lilacs from the house for someone at work. work meeting. cheese. festival. oh.
i have to get rabies shots for the kitties. they won't stand to be in any more. they connive to get out at every opportunity. prance down the alley way. jump and evade. secretly smile at their own wily ways.
watching the garden grow. oh.
oh.
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| Friday, April 10th, 2009
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4:24 pm
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next year, next year i think i am going to try to go to england.
i'm going to go to st. catherine's chapel.
i'm going to go to the seaside, and do nothing.
in england.
it has to be better than doing nothing here.
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| Thursday, March 26th, 2009
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4:06 pm
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decided to take the 2 to the library. sat in the back. two scruffy old guys were there and started talking about me...."fake eyebrows, bet she's fake everything, fake tits, fake pussy, fake asshole, sits on her fake ass all day doing nothing...well i work for a fucking living. i have to. not like these people..." and on and on. seriously, it took me over two minutes to bring myself to move to the front of the bus. then he kept yelling stuff at me about how he works and i shouldn't use people. i know it wasn't really about me. probably had some lady troubles with someone with painted eyebrows. but i wish i had had a gun and could just have shot him as he spoke of me.
probably best for all that i didn't.
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| Friday, March 13th, 2009
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4:30 pm
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in florida.
it's been nice, actually. being with everybody. well, my mother and sister, at least. i saw my brother twice. he half said hi. he just sits in his room all day playing video games. and there are terribly cute kittens. and other cats. and a dog. and it's not too terribly hot. and the airport. i love airports. feeling so alone, as though you are nothing, and nothing matters. it's almost like god. and there are bars. not that i have any money. but they are there.
tommorrow all my aunts and uncles are coming over for dinner. i was just informed of a family photograph. i am not amused.
i hope my kittens are doing alright. i miss them like mad. i hope they don't hate me for leaving them. poor muffins.
and
and
i get to plant the garden when i get back home?
oh garden
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| Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009
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4:55 pm
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i despise ups.
they do not think my house exists, even though i keep telling them it does.
they sent me a post card via usps to tell me they couldn't deliver to my non-existant house.
i wonder how they think i got the post card.
i want my cute swedish rainboots. for gardening tommorrow.
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| Wednesday, February 18th, 2009
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12:11 pm
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being so productive, easy, that, as my tax refund came in.
i ordered seeds for the garden, have an eye doctor's appointment in an hour, bought a few gardening books, am well on my way to getting that stupid part for our stupid broken oven, think i am getting nice wellies for garden working, bought another skirt for work...my single work skirt is starting to hang in tatters....ordered 15lbs of cat food to be shipped to my door so i do not have to lug it from pine street.....bought food....it seems like i did something else, but i cannot think what. and i still have more money. oh, i bought plane tickets to florida to visit my mum. i almost dread it. i want to visit her, and i like flying, but i am just not in the mood for interrupition to my routine right now. oh well. it's only a week, i suppose.
next week i am going to attempt to plant the garden.
and also perhaps plant a witches' garden.
and fix the oven tommorrow, if i can finally get that stupid stupid part.
and bake pies. if i finally fix that stupid stupid oven.
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| Tuesday, February 10th, 2009
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3:04 pm
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snow day.
i woke early. the news said it would snow from 8-11. i got up at 6:30, waiting. it came. it left. it came back. i think it may still be, or else the library's glass and steel diamonds are just wet from icy rain.
nearly every single self-sufficiency, preparedness, or emergency book i've put on hold here has at least a dozen people waiting for it.
it never used to be like that.
i hate it when people start liking the things i like.
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| Friday, January 30th, 2009
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4:00 pm
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there was an earthquake today and i missed it. it was at 5:25...but i didn't wake up until 5:30. i suppose i wouldn't really have notised, anyhow, seeing as it didn't even wake me up.
perhaps mt. rainier will explode soon and i'll get to see it.
i always miss earthquakes and volcanoes.
there's one in alaska that is supposed to go up soon....maybe we'll at least get some ash.
it's sad, perhaps, that i'm constantly so bored with life that i ache for natural disasters. but when else am i supposed to put all my stockpiling and emergency supplies and disaster movies and preparedness books to any use? the apocalypse keeps running away from me.
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| Tuesday, January 27th, 2009
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11:49 am
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snowing. or, was. cold and white and mist.
i'm about to make an appointment for a doctor, next week, when i have money. i have not been to a doctor in...well, since i do not know when. i have never made a physician's appointment. i wait until the situation is dire and go to the emergency room.
my feet are rotting.
i think it may have something to do with my drinking.
with cold wet feet tucked away in boots all day.
i'm trying not to drink, anymore. sometimes it works.
the doctor i chose is transgendered. the insurance website asks whether you would like a male or female or either doctor, i said either, after trying to figure out would i be more comfortable with which touching my hideous feet, looking down on me, mocking me, telling me what a bad person i am. i chose one because of their address, then researched her online, only to find out she is transgendered and apparently a very good and sensitive person. i'm hoping this is a good sign. i really need a doctor and i am really scared to see one.
i want to go to sleep and not wake up. not in a dying sort of way, not now. now, i really just want to sleep forever. perhaps sit up in bed every once in a while to have a cup of tea, a jammy biscuit.
i want to cry myself to sleep.
everything is perfect, except for everything else.
i woke up with julien stretched up the side of my body, under the blanket, his little black and white head near my chin, breathing, trusting me to keep him warm and take care of him. elsa was curled up on my back.
it's silly that i can take care of them but not myself. some days i forget to eat. even when i haven't been drinking. i think about being hungry, but cooking food seems too tedious. i'll blame the broken oven. which i am also going to fix, along with my feet, when i get paid next week.
at least i have a job. i should just be thankful i have a stable job. as long as i manage to drag my broken feet to work each day, everything will somehow be okay. maybe.
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| Monday, October 20th, 2008
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3:21 pm
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i am mildly thinking about moving somewhere unexpected, vermont, or maybe maine. i don't know how i'd go about it if i actually meant to...i've never really been...at least not since the early 80's. i want snow. mountains of snow. maybe i can bring my two cats and find itinerant work on maple farms. have the kittens pop the little spigots in the trees and man the sugaring tubs. something.
i'm sick of no snow. and when it does snow here, it might as well be no snow, for all it's mighty sticking power. damn you, no-snow place.
i'll never do it, of course. haven't the guts, the money. it seems like i'd need to know how to drive, in vermont. and where would i work....
i don't know how i survive at all.
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| Friday, August 1st, 2008
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12:12 pm
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hazel bought me the most wonderful gift last month, two tiny children. kittens. julien and elsa. they're the most ridiculously adorable things in the entire world. they were six weeks old when i got them, they fit in my shoes. now they dwarf them. or, nearly. compartively. perhaps someday i'll be able to use a computer i can post pictures from. little monsters.
last night elsa figured out how to not only climb ontop of the loft above my bed, but to climb onto the top shelf of my television closet next to it, and found a mysterious hole in the wall that leads god knows where. i only know because she emerged ten minutes later looking like a calico coal-miner, all her white belly and legs were black with decades old dust. i had a peek in there...i didn't even know there was a hole back there...but i couldn't see where it went. it's probably how the rats and mice get in. i blocked it off, i think. it's hard to tell with them. they can get anywhere. nothing is kitten proof. well, julien doesn't care about making a nuisance of himself, except to escape downstairs when i don't want him to. otherwise he's happy to eat and cuddle and lay about like a bloated penguin puppet. i'm scared elsa will go back there again and get caught in something weird and be eaten by rats. hopefully when i get home she hasn't pried the boards away that i've blocked it off with.
and i've started to teach myself latin. i've had a textbook forever. i tried once. well, i started reading the book once, but i got bored because i didn't understand anything. but i've been being sober for the past few days, and i took a few hours to really sit down and read it yesterday...prounounce things outloud, think about things, and it's so exciting, i'm starting to get it. i can't wait to get home and work on latin. it's my new project. i had to stop last night after miss exploration came back from the moon. dirty paw prints everywhere.
maybe i'll give her a bath tonight. oh, she'll just hate me.
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| Friday, June 13th, 2008
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3:48 pm
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bloody things. my coworker cried today because they chose someone else for chef. it should have been her. the new chef is better than others they could have chose, but it should have been her.
i hate change. i hate new things. everything is going to be ruined, and i haven't even started yet. and i have to pee.
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| Wednesday, June 4th, 2008
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12:30 pm
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an unlovely world fallen into, trip, tumble, dry out in the dessicated vegetation, lack thereof.
i was looking at a place to reach, and it fell away, tumbled backwards, and then everything got complicated and difficult.
but i had tea today. tea helps. urinate every three minutes and stick pins in dolls and wash the dishes, walk to the store.
my boss is leaving me, and i'm frightened that the little securities i have in life will go as well. i have two, basically. a job i like and a house i like. when either is threatened it is the end of the world. i'm terrified. but at least i made her promise to send me swiss francs. shore up against the inevitable.
and i need a new home. only because insecurity breeds faithlessness, and i am a faithless wife. i've stolen a table, so that means something, now. and bed-curtains. and survival manuals. and ridiculous films that make you spit blood everywhere from laughing, when your nose won't stop bleeding.
but i had tea today. and tea tommorrow. and perhaps a partly spoiled cake, moldy cheese on stale toast. and tea the next day again. the weather is unstable. i want another little ice age. just a little tiny one, please. and a kitten.
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| Monday, March 31st, 2008
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5:16 pm
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i'm at the library watching it pour snow like rain outside. how odd. so much snow in the past week....kind of pitiful snow, but snow nonetheless.
i have the next two days off and hope it snows again. it keeps snowing while i'm at work. ah.
at least i have whiskey.
i still don't know what to eat. i've been eating alot of ice cream lately.
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| Tuesday, March 25th, 2008
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10:38 am
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my favourite bunny, robert, was killed the other day. he was run over and left in the road. hazel called kestrel and kestrel took him away. i'm glad kestrel got him and he wasn't thrown away, at least. poor stupid robert. so trusting. and his wife and children keep playing in the road. it's driving me crazy. i keep yelling at them and throwing small stones, but they don't understand. little roberto looks just like him...but with different facial markings.
i don't want to leave my house anymore. i get up, go to work, come home. sometimes i eat. i've been drinking, but i don't even like it. i hardly even get drunk, and never hung over. it's just custom.
i hate eating now. nothing is palatable. i keep throwing away food. i'll leave it to sit in my room a few days, hoping i'll come back to it, but it always looks even less apetising the second and third day.
i cannot think of anything i would really enjoy eating right now. not even pizza, or a good tofu sandwich.
it's sad, i'm actually kinda happy when i have to work. it gives me something to do without having to think about what to do. should i read this boring book or another boring book? watch this crappy movie or another crappy movie? sleep now or later? whiskey or gin?
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| Sunday, March 2nd, 2008
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5:15 pm
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| Sunday, February 24th, 2008
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2:49 pm
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it's spring. i'm not minding it so much, yet. i almost like it, a little, opening my bedroom windows, natural light, a breeze. i think i'm going to replant the garden soon. i miss having free food in the yard for the plucking.
and i have to go to florida next month. it will be hot.
and i have to figure out a way to save for a flat. i cannot live with so many people too much longer. i am a grumpy old lady. even though everyone is pretty much awesome.
i can't figure out what to do anymore. rather bored by everything. even drinking isn't fun. or, fun, what do i mean....necessary? worth it?
nor is eating. i never know what the hell to eat. nothing tastes good. not pizza, not cheese, not tofu. even my favourite things are just to chew on occassionally. i wish i wanted something. something to eat, something to do, to work on, to read.
it will come back again, i'm sure.
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| Saturday, February 2nd, 2008
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4:53 pm
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today at work the talk was marmots....all marmots. first it was about phil the groundhog. he said there would be more winter. then chef said her bird was shedding, and that meant winter was to be over, as the bird is never wrong. she wanted statistics on phil's performance over the years. which led to stephen looking up groundhog day stuff. which led to general beauregard lee, another groundhog, in georgia, who apparently says spring is coming. he has 98% accuracy. we didn't find statistics on phil, but 98 sounds pretty spiffy, plus that groundhog has a better name. i hope winter is not over. oh, dear. and i never knew there were so many famous groundhogs. tons of them. the only other name i remember is staten island chuck. beauregard is definately best.
i am so fuckign tired. i'm at the library, half between home and work. i don't want to get out of this chair and climb the hill...but i have no bus money.
so hungry.
oh phil.
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| Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008
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4:55 pm
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a few days ago the world was made of ice. i left my house to go to work and the lawn was frozen solid white, with green tufts sticking out here and there...and the bunnies were nibbling at it. i didn't want to be late so i watched them while i walked and slid down the driveway, my skirt coming up and me sliding down gravelly concrete and ice on bare thighs. my leg was frozen and dirty and bloody and torn. but the bunnies were worth it.
and the next morning as i left for work, there were two bunnies and two squirrels and one raccoon and a whole mess of crow and raven and pigeon and seagull and robin going at our trash like it was christmas. it was like a scene from snow white....with trash. it was sublime.
and today was sunny. such a sad day. i wish the world was ice again. still. always. i wish the sea would freeze and my face were white and red and my breath turned to ice as it left my lips.
i'm on my way to an after-work wine-tasting. i don't want to go, but i signed up for it a few weeks ago. and stephen, i think, made me a special repast. at least, he made a point of asking me what i ate and didn't eat. it seems rude to skip out on it. and who needs free wine? i have a bottle of bourbon and a bottle of peppermint schnapps in my bag! well, i certainly won't drink them together....though....the schnapps was an impulse buy.
i don't want to go to work! even if it's just to drink and eat for free.
i want to read my cheesy victorian/fairytale/magic novel and drink schnapps. or bourbon. or both. and eat pie. and crumpets.
there was a lady bug on my curtain this morning.
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