snowing. or, was. cold and white and mist.
i'm about to make an appointment for a doctor, next week, when i have money. i have not been to a doctor in...well, since i do not know when. i have never made a physician's appointment. i wait until the situation is dire and go to the emergency room.
my feet are rotting.
i think it may have something to do with my drinking.
with cold wet feet tucked away in boots all day.
i'm trying not to drink, anymore. sometimes it works.
the doctor i chose is transgendered. the insurance website asks whether you would like a male or female or either doctor, i said either, after trying to figure out would i be more comfortable with which touching my hideous feet, looking down on me, mocking me, telling me what a bad person i am. i chose one because of their address, then researched her online, only to find out she is transgendered and apparently a very good and sensitive person. i'm hoping this is a good sign. i really need a doctor and i am really scared to see one.
i want to go to sleep and not wake up. not in a dying sort of way, not now. now, i really just want to sleep forever. perhaps sit up in bed every once in a while to have a cup of tea, a jammy biscuit.
i want to cry myself to sleep.
everything is perfect, except for everything else.
i woke up with julien stretched up the side of my body, under the blanket, his little black and white head near my chin, breathing, trusting me to keep him warm and take care of him. elsa was curled up on my back.
it's silly that i can take care of them but not myself. some days i forget to eat. even when i haven't been drinking. i think about being hungry, but cooking food seems too tedious. i'll blame the broken oven. which i am also going to fix, along with my feet, when i get paid next week.
at least i have a job. i should just be thankful i have a stable job. as long as i manage to drag my broken feet to work each day, everything will somehow be okay. maybe.